Parenting Memories Aficionado Pillows

"Look at that adorable mother and baby! I haven't changed a diaper in years."

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

'The child is very illogical'

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

Suffering from Cooties?

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

Growth Charts

I love my family!

"The moral of the story, honey, is that being a celebrity does not make you a credible children’s book author."

'Son, I want you to get out there and play like I've never played before.'

'Don't touch that tooth, dad. I'm expecting the tooth fairy at any moment.'

Mother pours bubble bath into child's plastic pool

'My first camera'

Toddler Feeding Solutions

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I need backup...NOW!

Early childhood development

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

Crying baby

"I told my mom either the sitter goes, or I go!"

'But, Mom, being good just doesn't work for me.'

'Look, dear. Her first opinion.'

"I'm tired of this full-time job. I want a part-time job."

"Sure, helicopter parenting is bad but drone parenting is way worse."

Lemming mothers

'It wouldn't be right if I did your homework for you!' 'At least you could try!'

"My first Father's day!"

"Sweet dreams my little tax break."

'It's a book, Sweetie - it doesn't have any ram!'

"Oh well, if you really want to see some scary chest thumping, come with me now and I'll show my school report to my dad..."