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"The thing is, I've grown and you haven't."

'I remember when she was proud to be seen with her parents.'

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"I thought it would be nice if we had a forum where we could get together and have screaming tantrums."

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

'Think about it guys: We're fed and sheltered, why would we ever think about leaving the nest?'

'Son, the world is ripe for the taking ... you better stay home with me.'

"Bless, Poppy's first tweet!"

'This is not fair, mom. . . none of my friends is forced to hibernate before December.'

'I almost get out the door and then my mom yells...'Don't you know it's February?!' And here I am again...looking like an eskimo.'

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

'You know that bottle of ink that was standing on the desk...?'

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

'He's more supportive after his nap.'

'But, Mom, being good just doesn't work for me.'

"It's not often you see a sign that is both instructional and inspirational."

"Dad—will the heroine go into rehab?"

Preparing for a new arrival

"Oh well, if you really want to see some scary chest thumping, come with me now and I'll show my school report to my dad..."

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

Mountain Dads

The relay race

They Removed my Brain.

Please take a number.

"Why are you special? Because I'm your mommy, and I'm special."

"I was thinking of joining a parenting class."

'My kids don't understand me.'

'I know how you like things to be clean, so I gave fishy a bath!"

"I lost the spelling bee on the word 'gangsta.' "

'Are you trying to tell me that neither of you get penalty rates for the 2 a.m feed?'

"My mom used to be an excellent housekeeper, but I put a stop to that."

Are we going to raise her as a cat person or a dog person?

You've got to help me, Em. Sure. My mom's hot on this strict, Chinese-style parenting. Welcome to my world. Tell her that your parents aren't pushing you to be a doctor. Sure. They gave up on that. They'll settle for Harvard law school. That's too much information.