Parenting Guru Gifts

"Young man, go to your room and stay there until your cerebral cortex matures."

'Honey, when you grow up I want you to be assertive, independent and strong-willed. But while you're a kid, I want you to be passive, pliable and obedient.'

"I recommend an epidural, at least until they're off to school."

'Son,we're learning how to speak teenage.'

'Am I looking sad or happy in the appropriate places?'

"I would share, but I'm not there developmentally."

Breastfeeding - "When it's my turn, can I use this?"

"Is there a vegan option?"

"Go ask your search engine."

Parent Involvement Tip #1

"Mom, was I thoroughly vetted before I was born?"

"You can't judge my parenting skills by what you see in the lobby."

"Now, if only Daddy were rich and Mommy were good-looking, everything would be totally awesome."

"Don't roll your third eye at me."

A dolls house with a working chimney.

"Your blood pressure is completely normal. Are you sure you're married with children?"

'There's no such thing as 'safe sex'!'

'I think you can get rid of the diapers. Timmy just made a direct deposit.'

'We strongly recommend you buy the service plan.'

'Don't you know too much TV is bad for your eyes...and your morals, attention span, intelligence...'

'I've dealt with it - he's sitting on the naughty step thinking about his behaviour.'

'The best way to teach my son is by example, you know: Monkey see, monkey do...'

'I met with Holly's teacher today...I'm trying to head off trouble. I want her to apply herself this year!!'

'Do you have to be so bloody wonderful? I'd like something to kick against.'

'It's not his fault. He's got SMBD - spuriously medicalised behavioural disorder.'

"He's so well behaved I'm really worried, doctor."

"I'm holding George back this year because he's failed to forge a personal style."

"She's one of those bad mothers who say they're bad mothers but think they're good mothers."

"I should have bought toys with better posture."

"Winning isn't everything, Josh. Not being the reason your team loses is everything."

"If you had only listened to me when you were six and not eaten that dirt."

"When you're President, then you can watch six hours of television a day."

"Alexa here is my sixty-eight-year-old, and Nat here is my seventy-two-year-old."

"I never get what I want."

"I'm their real child, and you're just a frozen embryo thingy they bought from some laboratory."