Parenting Guru Gifts

"Young man, go to your room and stay there until your cerebral cortex matures."

'Honey, when you grow up I want you to be assertive, independent and strong-willed. But while you're a kid, I want you to be passive, pliable and obedient.'

"I recommend an epidural, at least until they're off to school."

'Son,we're learning how to speak teenage.'

'Am I looking sad or happy in the appropriate places?'

"I would share, but I'm not there developmentally."

Breastfeeding - "When it's my turn, can I use this?"

"Is there a vegan option?"

Parent Involvement Tip #1

"Mom, was I thoroughly vetted before I was born?"

"Go ask your search engine."

'I've dealt with it - he's sitting on the naughty step thinking about his behaviour.'

'Not another sex talk, Dad! So what do you want to know how to do this time?'

'I think you can get rid of the diapers. Timmy just made a direct deposit.'

A dolls house with a working chimney.

'We strongly recommend you buy the service plan.'

"Don't roll your third eye at me."

'The best way to teach my son is by example, you know: Monkey see, monkey do...'

'Do you have to be so bloody wonderful? I'd like something to kick against.'

'It's not his fault. He's got SMBD - spuriously medicalised behavioural disorder.'

"Your blood pressure is completely normal. Are you sure you're married with children?"

'Don't you know too much TV is bad for your eyes...and your morals, attention span, intelligence...'

"Now, if only Daddy were rich and Mommy were good-looking, everything would be totally awesome."

"You can't judge my parenting skills by what you see in the lobby."

'I met with Holly's teacher today...I'm trying to head off trouble. I want her to apply herself this year!!'

'There's no such thing as 'safe sex'!'

"He's so well behaved I'm really worried, doctor."

"You're developing a nice, rich compost down here."

"Can't you read?"

"Great investment, huh?"

"Adorable. Is yours a rescue too?"

"It's not whether you win or lose, sweetie – it's all about networking."

"Okay, the lawn chair seemed to quiet him down, but don't go anywhere with that ladder."

"Alexa here is my sixty-eight-year-old, and Nat here is my seventy-two-year-old."

"When you're President, then you can watch six hours of television a day."