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'Well, Mr. 'Let's get him a fish they're no trouble at all,' you're on.'

Going into the relationship, Tom knew Loretta was a package deal.

"Well, I'm thinking about boarding school. Though I'm not sure they accept adults."

'Strained carrots again! What am I being punished for this time?'

"It's so nice to finally put a face to the name."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"I have a new program that draws from his energy to power all our computers and phones. We should be good for the next 10 years."

"Everyone says she has the clutter of someone twice her age."

It's a Boy

"Travelling with Child Sketchbook - day 2."

"I told you not to touch it. I should've used your language and told you not to click on it."

"We'd love to come, but we can't seem to find a sitter."

'I see from your C. V. that you're my son...'

'Have you cleaned behind your ears?'

'I almost get out the door and then my mom yells...'Don't you know it's February?!' And here I am again...looking like an eskimo.'

"Not until you've arranged your pillows."

"It's not often you see a sign that is both instructional and inspirational."

'Wow, Mom, how long has he been in time-out?'

'I never believed in spanking children - until today!'

Constructing your own prison!

'We've never had an accident - aside from three of our five kids.'

'I took her to register in kindergarten, and they wanted a damage deposit.'

'Don't come down until your thirty five.'

'You must stop feeding him fish oils to make him cleverer.'

If this is how 3-year-olds see the world, it's no wonder they're always crying."

Baby with projectile vomit

"It gets easier the second time."

“It's a healthy baby boy. And, wow, the mouth on your wife …”

"I’ve changed my mind. I no longer want to conquer the world. I just want to conquer those two..."

"We want one that's genetically gifted but not genetically spoiled."

'Baby escape.'

"It took some figuring, but I think I figured out how to handle a temperamental teenager."

'Why are you being a discipline problem at school, turd?'

Temptation.

"Why do they tell us not to be childish? We're only nine!"