Parenting Comedian Gifts

Baby escaped crib with saw.

"It's not easy, the constant demand for attention, the fussing and crying..."

'Dad's my roadie.'

'Mom, did the stork beta test me before I was delivered here?'

"Whenever mom and dad go out without us, they suffer from whatever the opposite of separation anxiety is."

'No, I am not sneaking off to the bar! I just thought, being Mother's Day and all, you'd appreciate some alone time with the kids!'

'A little help please.'

It went even worse than I expected - She got custody of the kids and me.

"You know kids love boundaries, Dad."

"We had our baby through the NHS. It took nine months so maybe we should have gone private."

Baby Prison

'The noise is terrible and the view is horrible. So much for good working conditions.'

"She's cute all right. But, whoa, what a narcissist!"

'Stop picking your nose.'

'Yeah, but how does the stork get into the maternity ward?'

'Mum... I don't like my egg all runny!'

'sugar and spice my eye.'

'What I need is a change in scenery.'

'My job on the school's safety patrol is to frisk the other kids for concealed weapons.'

'I'm here pending appeal.'

Beware of teething baby.

'Oh, don't mind Jeff. It's just his turn to change the Baby's nappy.'

Reading the Riot Act.

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

Young golf ball getting "the talk".

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."