Parental Strategist Pillows

'The problem is that I can only fool one of them at a time.'

"I see your problem, honey. You're doing everything 'waterfall'. You should switch to 'agile'."

A Puppet Named Juan

"I'm starting him off with a little rope theory."

"Will you be putting her in day care or bringing her up artisanally?"

I figured out how we can pay for the kids' college tuitions. Do tell. I'm going to leave for a year of self-discovery, which I will chronicle in a best-selling memoir. Oh, but

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

Grounded

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Sitting Up'

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"Be afraid to try new things!"

I rule by fear.

By teaching the parrot a few key phrases, Marilyn no longer needs to nag her kids.

"The time has come to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of double-entry bookkeeping, too."

'We can't move in with my parents - they've moved in with grandma!'

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

Beware of teething baby.

"Irma, cancel all my appointments for the next 3 weeks, I need to go home to brood. Tell the board to only contact me on my mobile phone..."

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

"When can I redeploy?"

"We've given it a great deal of thought and we decided we're going to give in to everything you want at all times."

'If you fuss over him all the time and make his life too comfortable, he'll never leave!'

"I know he's little, but he uses it."

"It's your job to work hard and get good grades, David. It's my job to make your mother laugh."

'I do set limits. For example, he wasn't allowed to use the tablet computer until after he downloaded a potty training app.'

"Remember - kindergarten is an excellent opportunity to make connections for first grade."

'When mom went to work for us, did you ask for references?'

'Except...That.'

"My dad put in a new security system."

"I like it; but let's make sure we can get the domain name first."

Chip and Fran Cooper: The Most Embarrassing Parents in the World.

"Don't worry, it gets easier when they're 35."