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"The title of my report is 'What my dad did for a living' - but certain words have been blackened out on advice of his parole officer."

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

'Son, I want you to get out there and play like I've never played before.'

"I told my mom either the sitter goes, or I go!"

'I never saw a tracer bullet that I didn't admire for color, clarity and swiftness.'

'It's time you knew the truth. You're not my real son. You're a novelization.'

"But mom, I can't clean my room now. I just won the Kids Bedroom Seal of Approval!"

Stork Story.

"But Mom said to ask YOU!"

'He's about to destroy his first city and you're in a meeting?'

I arrived, I Ate, I Conquered (aka Pooped).

"Stop following me! I taught you all that I know."

'Oh my, it's my sister's address! I'm delivering my own nephew!'

"Dad, I'm thinking they could be tax deductable."

"I think our daughter got her brains from me."

"You were right, honey, she was tired... I only had to read six books to her tonight!"

'My teacher has a good memory. She remembers what a rotten kid you were.'

"You claimed I was getting on your last nerve. Having only one nerve left sounds serious, so I called an ambulance."

"If you'd wanted me to be successful you should have set a better example."

"So, paternity leave problem solved then?"

"Look at that adorable mother and baby! I haven't changed a diaper in years."

'Said once, and never again!'

Motherly bird

'My dad is a CEO - don't trust him!'

"Sorry, Celesteville remains banned."

"That's your uncle Colin. He's the black sheep of the family."

"Mom says Time Out should teach me a valuable lesson. I guess it's 'don't get caught.'"

'You call it a lie. I think of it as augmented reality.'

"but I thought I had another, an older one."

'It's our anniversary. The one night he takes me to a restaurant that doesn't have a children's menu.'

'Relax! I was just seeing if I could fit it all in if I wanted to.'

Mum, I don't care what these nasty kids say about my brothers Romulus and remus being adopted: I love them all the same...

'Mom! -- Jeffrey's having a wardrobe malfunction!'