Parental Negotiator Pillows

'Only two cookies? What is this -- a quota system?'

Hello, Mrs. Jenkins? This is Axel Fusco, a classmate of your daughter. May I speak to her? Yes, I know she's not allowed to date boys yet, but

Where did you hide my laptop? Hint: You'll never find it. So obvious, dad. Under his dirty laundry. No chores all week if you don't tell.

"I need to see your budget proposal."

'Here comes your Daddy - Do you want me to do the talking?'

'I'm pretty sleepy tonight, Dad - could we just skip ahead to the chase scene?'

"Houston, we have a problem!"

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

"Three yummies, a pat on the head, and a 'Good doggy.' That's my client's final offer."

"Just sign it, or I'll post YOUR old report cards on social media."

"When the new employment laws come in parenting is going to be a whole lot easier...."

"I've memorized so many passwords, things are starting to get weird."

"He just talked me into giving him a 200% raise in his allowance. At least we don't have to worry about him not succeeding in business when he grows up."

'Early to bed and early to rise? It's a deal.'

"I realize you want to enjoy every last minute of summer, but it's not possible to stay awake until school starts."

'Do what I did. Tell your mother you want a pet snake. Then she'll get you a dog.'

'Um...Excuuuse me?! Apparently you've forgotten the household peacekeeping policy.'

'All right. I'll get forty winks, but not one wink more.'

You need to stay home and study. Mom! It's an educational opportunity

"We want to make sure that your wish for us to give you grandchildren has nothing to do with your concerns about future vacancies at your chicken processing plant."

"My client, whom I shall refer to as your son, has retained me to represent him in these negotiations regarding an increase in his allowance!"

'If you let me read the SPORTS section, I just may consider moving.'

"You call it training, I call it an apprenticeship. Now pay up."

'No, I'm not interested in hearing a counter proposal.'

"Come on dad, there's no need to go all 'Successiony' on me."

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the computer equipment.'

'Early to bed and early to rise. I like a saying with an escape clause.'

'Uh, Molly...Who's your little friend?'

Last week revisited. Uncle Mort, want to come over to my place for Thanksgiving? Can't. Sadie and I are having it at her place. How nice of you. What? I'd love to. What can I bring? Beautifully played, no? She'll kill me. I'd love to. How nice.

Surface Tension

'She won't budge on the allowance, but she did present me an 800 page handbook detailing the perks.'

"Mom said you should empty the dishwasher since I helped her update her phone and computer. It pays to be smart."

'I'd like to get a new cat but I have a husband.'

Stroll a Kid: $10 One Hour, $6 1/2 Hour.

'I don't care whether you think it's an affront to your 'Human Rights', I still want you to go to the naughty corner!'