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TV: 'The following program is rated 'G', with parental discretion advised for the commercials.'

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

'Never underestimate the value of pipe-dreams, my son.'

"I'm going crazy staring at the same four legs."

"Be afraid to try new things!"

"Anything interesting happen over the weekend, Frank?"

"You know, son, you're not going to get anywhere just gliding around all the time!"

"We've gone old fashioned and decided against finding out the sex of my obstetrician."

'Then, after a while, the pitter patter of tiny running shoes.'

Warring parents

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"

'Hang on. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Apparently that's not a good idea.'

Ringtones Kids Can't Hear.

'I'm not sure if it's the programs or the commercials, but one is supposed to be a lot worse than the other.'

Mom's The Boss

'He's about to destroy his first city and you're in a meeting?'

"Adulits don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAAAH!"

"Stop telling me how well you did on the written."

'We want to be ready for when he starts to read.'

The Supreme Court, Juvenile Divisio: "As usual, the obvious precedent for this case is the children v. Mommy."

'I may not be able to smack you, but it won't stop the 'Bogie Man' coming to get you if you are naughty !'

"Actually, he's developing at an absolutely normal rate for his age..!"

"Oh, don't jump. But at least learn to code."

"Andy plays perfectly well with others - it's others who don't play well with Andy."

"They grow so fast. In my day, you didn't become morbidly obese until adulthood."

"Of course, you've always set a good example for me ... that's why you embarrass me so much."

Next On The Agenda

"And I suppose if your friends all jumped off a cliff you'd follow right along?"

'It's making me happy.'

"I've been a child psychologist for twenty years. Based on my experience, and several sessions with your son, I believe what is needed is a swift swat on his rump!"

‘Sat too close to the TV;’ ‘Stared at the Sun For an Hour,’ ‘Put Out My Eye With a BB Gun.’

'I won't meet your demands for an allowance increase, so maybe you should become a free agent.'

"No thanks! My dad said those things will kill you!"