Paranoid Tanner T-Shirts

How melanoma researchers take family summer vacations.

The Government's Got Your Back. And Wants Your Front As Well.

No Immediate Danger

"What we didn't have but obviously needed was an alarmist."

Trust

"He says he's not running away. . . he's just going off the grid."

Conspiracy Theory Bookstore: JFK, Princess Di, and Osama Bin Laden.

Conspiracy Cat

'At least they did a good job on him.'

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

"The penicillin looks good."

Hypochodriac worrying about his heart.

The Nervous Gourmet:Low-Risk Chicken

Spatula beach

"They're out to get me... I keep getting phone calls that say 'spam risk'."

'The computer can talk to terminals all over the country. Bentley thinks it's talking about him.'

"You never call, and the federal government will back me up on that."

"It's almost flu season! Stay indoors! Touch no one!"

"Welcome to the neighbourhood. I hope you like savory pies."

Panic Button

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

'I don't know what it is...I just have this funny feeling like I'm being followed.'

"I have nothing to hide."

'Don't open that attachment!'

'For cryin' out loud. All I said was I thought I heard a noise outside last night!'

I rented a car from Hertz the other day, and there was a camera in it. Really? Someone forgot their camera? No, I mean in the dashboard. There was a little camera pointed at me. I have no idea who or what was watching me. Maybe it was Hertz. Maybe it was the NSA. Maybe it was for American Idol auditions. To cover all my bases, I sang the Star-Spangled Banner the whole drive. I'm never renting from Hertz again.

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about Lyme disease."

"All our devices are talking to each other - about me."

"For God's sake, man, just tell me what we're running from!"

"...And never take candy from strangers -- They might be spies!"

"You don't need to come in for any more check-ups . . . we can get most of your personal information off Facebook."

Tannery.

'I've prescribed Anti-Depressants - you'll still be paranoid, but you'll be happily paranoid!'

'Me and Verl are gonna get spray-on tans just in our beach cover-ups before goin' to Florida.'

"Skin cancer. . . terrorism, I'm not taking any chances!"