Paranoia Enthusiast T-Shirts

"Well, Phil, after years of vague complaints and imaginary ailments, we finally have something to work with."

"Call it excessive if you like, but none of our guests have ever pinched anything..."

"Bummer Magazine"

'Under new business, is anyone wearing a wire?'

'Man, that freaks me out I've lived here over a year and every time I come home that lamp's in a different place,'

Unnecessary alarm company

Rudy, I suppose you're wondering why I've requested a saliva sample. I am, boss. Employers can't be too careful these days, Rudy. How do I know you're not on smack? How do I knew you're even you? You could be an Isis-trained imposter who's done away with the real Rudy. I'm not Isis. If you have nothing to hide, you wont mind spitting into my beaker.

"I think the man in the corner may have the covid."

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"It feels like we're being followed."

'I'm under the illusion peole are staring at me.'

CIA, 'Confound it, Ruggles - we're SUPPOSED to be worrywarts!'

'Can I call you back? I'm expecting someone.'

"Im over-cynical, eh? Which dark forces put that idea in your head?"

"Did you order 8000 tins of beans, 10,000 litres of water, 400 bottles of vitamins C tablets, 500 rolls of tin foil. . ."

"Your wife is right. It's stupid to think you're being watched and bugged. And zip up your fly."

'We need you to settle a bet -- was 'Twilight Zone' a sitcom or a documentary?'

Astral Projection

New Road Signs to Watch For:

No Immediate Danger

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

'So, what's for dinner ...a séance?'

"Had more ghost-hunters 'round my place last night....scared the daylights outta me!"

"What we didn't have but obviously needed was an alarmist."

'Halloween is just around the corner, kids. Have you decided what are you going to wear?'

'Waiter, there's a Fly-Agaric in my soup.'

"Get a tomb!"

Madame Lucille - Fortune Teller 'I predict the future'.

He snuck in on me again, didn't he.

'Es-yay. E's-hay ere-hay ight-ray ow-nay and-ay e-hay oesn't-day uspect-say a ing-thay!'

"Which one is yours?"

"Tell me why you think people are out to get you."

"Dang, there goes another piece of the wife's good china. You see father, it's

"He says he's been sending you messages from beyond the grave but it's possible they're going straight into your junk folder."

'... And your wife says; don't bother looking for the key to the drinks cabinet, because she's hidden it where you'll never find it.'