Panic Buying Satirist Gifts

"This pandemic's made me stop, reflect and think about the important things in life - the things we forgot to panic buy and hoard!"

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

The truth is, Congressman, we didn't know it was wrong to screw people.

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

Vinnie's Repossessions: A Turtle has just had his shell repossessed

'Bad news on Wall Street. The entire stock market has been downgraded to a 'junk' classification.'

Help! Have to pay back a big world bank loan.

Where Ignorance is Bliss.

"Thank you, and may the I.R.S. accept all your deductions."

Pirates at the mall.

'I think we're setting the bar too low.'

'The fourth quarter was no walk in the park. Especially for those who count on us to walk in the park.'

'It's a demonstration by retired CEOs who refuse to give up their bonuses.'

What if retail stores behaved like websites?

"What would you suggest to fill the dark, empty spaces in my soul?"

Your son has a genetic inability to calculate. This forecasts for him a brilliant career in the Ministry of Finance.

'The 'free market' economic theory is falling!'

'The bad news is that we're only in it for the money.'

"We disagree with the president - we kinda like Robin Hood - we take from everyone and keep it - how much more successful can you get?"

"We bring him gifts of gold, frankincense and mercantile mutual hedge fund options."

Offshore tax havens.

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

'Cutting back to a single securities regulator is a good idea. After that, one more reduction and our troubles are over.'

Bank of Cyprus-sia

"Today the market closed at exactly the right price, and all buyers and sellers were very happy."

The court freezes my assets and wants me to live on $20K per month? They want me to starve!

Inflation is a national headache. . . caused by asset indigestion!

Corporations will have to earn this tax cut one dollar at a time!

If things were going just a little bit better we could have filed for bankruptcy.

"They put nipples on the mannequins so you'll look at the stupid sweaters. Duh!"

'I told you we should use some pig Latin in our quarterly statement. It's important to have investors trying to decipher something other than our quarterly returns.'

The ground cracking beneath a banker's feet because his bonus is so big and heavy.

The average taxpayer will ultimately embrace the auto industry bailout. Hell, we sold em all that useless undercoating for all these years!

'This charge is for the office visit, this charge is for blood work, and this charge just about pays off the doc's school loan.'