Panic Buying Satirist Pillows

"This pandemic's made me stop, reflect and think about the important things in life - the things we forgot to panic buy and hoard!"

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

The truth is, Congressman, we didn't know it was wrong to screw people.

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

Vinnie's Repossessions: A Turtle has just had his shell repossessed

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

'I think we're setting the bar too low.'

Help! Have to pay back a big world bank loan.

'Bad news on Wall Street. The entire stock market has been downgraded to a 'junk' classification.'

Where Ignorance is Bliss.

Pirates at the mall.

"Thank you, and may the I.R.S. accept all your deductions."

'The fourth quarter was no walk in the park. Especially for those who count on us to walk in the park.'

'It's a demonstration by retired CEOs who refuse to give up their bonuses.'

'The bad news is that we're only in it for the money.'

'The 'free market' economic theory is falling!'

"We bring him gifts of gold, frankincense and mercantile mutual hedge fund options."

Your son has a genetic inability to calculate. This forecasts for him a brilliant career in the Ministry of Finance.

What if retail stores behaved like websites?

"What would you suggest to fill the dark, empty spaces in my soul?"

"We disagree with the president - we kinda like Robin Hood - we take from everyone and keep it - how much more successful can you get?"

Offshore tax havens.

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

'Cutting back to a single securities regulator is a good idea. After that, one more reduction and our troubles are over.'

"Today the market closed at exactly the right price, and all buyers and sellers were very happy."

Bank of Cyprus-sia

"They put nipples on the mannequins so you'll look at the stupid sweaters. Duh!"

"Yes, 650,- euro net rent is a pretty good price and it's a very nice house... By the way, I'm talkins about this house, sir."

'I told you we should use some pig Latin in our quarterly statement. It's important to have investors trying to decipher something other than our quarterly returns.'

'This charge is for the office visit, this charge is for blood work, and this charge just about pays off the doc's school loan.'

If things were going just a little bit better we could have filed for bankruptcy.

The court freezes my assets and wants me to live on $20K per month? They want me to starve!

The ground cracking beneath a banker's feet because his bonus is so big and heavy.

Inflation is a national headache. . . caused by asset indigestion!

Another Rogue Trader