Pandemic Preppers Mugs

"As you can see, hands are about to hit peak dryness, so we're predicting record lotion sales for next quarter."

'You've got swine flu and I think it's begun to mutate.'

Naturally, Bob thought the midwife was for him.

'We're all out of flu vaccine - how about something for anxiety...?'

"For most people, the sense of panic will be mild."

'The golden eggs are great... but I need you to lay a golden parachute.'

A sun opens its mouth to eat a burning Earth

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

Zombie Problems

A fire extinguisher box with band aids in them has a sign above with reads, "In case you cut yourself breaking glass break this glass."

Cheer up-things aren't so bad.....

The End is Nigh

Prepper Dog

'You can have a cute little boy like me. All you have to do is get pregnant.'

What's your contingency plan, Randy? My what? If a calamity of biblical proportions were to strike here in Canardville, would you flee across the bridge to Candorville? Or would you search in vain for a fallout-resistant bunker, before surrendering to the cruel inevitability of your demise? I ask just for the sake of discussion. No reason to panic. Totally unrelated: I just found out someone who's definitely not me is selling fallout bunkers at buy-this-now-if-you-want-to-live.com. Very bad man.

Wally flunks the test: The Emergency Broadcast System.

S.O.S. vaccine

'For no particular reason I want to know the location of our fire extinguisher.'

'Relax. This is only a test.'

Holiday Gifts 2020

The Ambivalence of a Nice Day in February

'I keep them around for unruly octopi, or giant radioactive spiders... you know, just in case.'

Disasters

Judgment Day is coming next Monday. Repent. Now, hold on. How can I believe you when so many dire prophecies haven't come true? I sealed myself in a shelter twice in the late '60s, hid in the Appalachian Mountains a decade later. A huge bunching of Judgment Day visions in the late '80s led me to simply get a time share in the Colorado mountains … Getting out of town doesn't spare you Judgment Day. I don't think. Lemme double-check the clues in Marmaduke. Mostly I needed an excuse to get away. Th

"My next book? It will probably be about rising up and crushing humanity."

Trick or Treatment.

'It's the worst I've seen in this area. Lots of chicken pox going around.'

Fire Assembly Point

There's been lots of unexplained shaking and booming noises in the middle of the night - all over the world. Some thing earth's entered a part of space filled with meteors too big to burn up in our atmosphere. Others think governments are building a network of underground bases to save a select few from a coming apocalypse. A lot of people think the world's about to end, Susan. If it were anyone but you, I'd thinking this was a pickup line. For the first time in my life, all my favorite shows go

Fair readers, please accept these personal tips for remaining healthy and germ free. Public service announcement! Keep your stress low. Exercise, eat right, hydrate and try to get a little affection in your life, if you get my meaning. If you use someone else's computer, wipe down the keyboard with alcohol to kill the germs. Ditto with the mouthpiece of a borrowed cellular phone. Don't touch anything or anyone. Bathe yourself in hand sanitizer. Don't leave the house, and if you do, don't inhale

"This isn't just about the wolf anymore, is it?"

"It would be unwise to attend an interview without doing any preparation in advance.

"The asteroid will hit in 2032, but I’m prepared!"

"Ned is getting ready for the oceans to rise."

Goldfish Insurance: " We must insure against a deluge of BIBLICAL proportions. . ."