Overwhelmed Parent Gifts

"Pick two! Staying abreast of the rapidly evolving global pandemic and what it means for your middle-class suburban life. Creating holiday memories that your kids will treasure throughout their lifetimes. Remembering to eat a vegetable."

IN box...OUT is wastepaper basket on fire.

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies: 'Feeding'

"Funny, I don't remember signing up for this."

'News headline: Britain unsafe to bring up young children.'

'What have I made for dinner? A reservation at the restaurant down the road. . .'

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

"I know, but all promises are off when Daddy's writing his grant proposals."

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'

"How are you getting on with your new baby?"

'We need a dog!'

'I couldn't find any box filler so I shredded those tax documents on your desk.'

"Do you really use all of the stuff on this school supply list?"

I work and work and never get ahead

"Hey, it's me. I just sent you a text message responding to your e-mail saying that I should IM you."

"Here comes the airplane--once it gets clearance from the tower, which should be in another 45 minutes. Thank you for your patience."

"Gosh, before you know it they'll be all grown up and making poor decisions that you can't comment on or ever make peace with!"

Mind them while I go shopping and I'll give you 50 bucks extra!

'Who's gonna stay here and do my homework?'

"You mind if I sit here and yammer on while my kid does whatever he wants?"

Paper aeroplane: 'Get on with your work.'

Work Life Balance Paperwork

'Please excuse my mother, this is my first interview.'

'Whoever said practice makes perfect never had kids with drum sets.'

'For God's sake, Tom, just let her cry - I can't stand your singing any longer.'

After years of shuttling teenagers around, Gina started hallucinating that she was morphing into a Chrysler minivan.

I'm late. Nothing you can say will convince me to drive you to school. O.K. Slam!

"Sometimes I wish I could clone myself."

Push me! Mom! Well? I'm waiting! The Little Engine Whose Parents Did Everything For Him.

I used to run every day. But lately its just been a rack for my clothes.

"Okay! I'm letting go! Just stay straight! Do not get hurt! Your mother will never forgive me!!"

“Worst. Playdate. Ever.”

'I appreciate your wanting me to do a stress test but what do you think I'm going through right now?'

Three favourite words: Back to school.

'Make sure you stay in the shallow end.'