Overconfidence Humorist Gifts

'Pretty confident, huh?'

"Hang on, isn't this the second pair of zebras we've had today?"

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'I wasted a lot of time in graduate school to get this job.'

Empty Headed Schoolboy

"And then, like an idiot, I turned to the boss and said 'Maybe the stock market isn't the only thing that's been overvalued!'"

"Marlowe filled the crooked gumshoe full of lead. He watched the smoke from his .38 coil in the air as he… mommy’s behind me, isn’t she?"

I'm ego surfing right now, looking up my name on different search engines.

Your Winning Lottery Numbers Told: 'If they are really what you say - how come you can only afford a tent?'

"Don't worry, I've performed this procedure hundreds of times."

A man imagines he looks like a farmer on a tractor on a ride-on mower and

Shy Man at Party

'I'm worried that if I study too hard, I couldn end up being a teacher.'

The Ekert Saga: '...A place where people are always unhappy no matter how well things are going? Ah! Got it...Go to Fenway Park in Boston.'

'That's enough cream. Please stop.'

Doomsdayers recycle pamphlets in case they are wrong.

'Remember I said I wish I had more arms so I could get more things done? Well the doctor took care of that problem.'

'Mismatched Mantras'

'Look at that lunatic...'

"Apparently removing my reproductive organs wasn't enough."

Hammer Instructions

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

A giant squid gets "Life Sucks" tattooed on its tentacles.

"Surprising me- that's your life's work."

'Honey, does the wild pig that I swallowed whole for lunch make me look fat? No, dear, it's just the lighting.

Magic Trick

"If I knew next week's winning lottery numbers do you think I'd be sitting here telling you."

'Me, I weigh myself in the water: I get a better reading...'

'The bad news is the price of gas is going up. The good news is since I lost my job I've got nowhere to go anyway.'

'Surprised you made it this far. No one likes a know-it-all.'

"I predicted I would get an 'A-plus'! If it makes you feel any better, my prediction skills are way worse."

'I can feel a hundred eyes drilling into my bald spot.'

"Methinks this breastplate doth make me look fat."

"And I'm pretty sure he's seeing another woman."

"Well, this is an awkward purr."