Outdoor Avoiders Pillows

"Cool bonfire app, man."

Good News about winter

Excess Baggage: You send emails from exotic places just to make your friends jealous.

"Mummy said dinner was brussels sprouts tonight. What about we drop by the park and see if the old man sitting on the bench can feed us instead?"

' I hit two good balls today - when I stepped on that rake.'

"Our new treadmill is easy to use, you just set it to the speed setting that's most comfortable for you."

Mr. Macho at the game... and after the game is over.

"Why run a marathon when you can sleep through it?"

"My brain said, exercise....my tummy auto-corrected that to, extra-fries!"

"I prefer the mountains to the beach. I feel like less of a cow.''

A safe is about to fall on an unsuspecting man interested in risk-free investments.

Give me a child at seven and I will show you the MAN!

'Your back went out because your front went out.'

Scientific Research: 'Does your research on the sunset include the observation of the sunrise?'

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

Danger Signs.

"I'm sorry - Mr Jensen is not in the office at this time."

"Apparently, my self-driving car doesn't like driving in the snow, because it took it upon itself to drive 1,200 miles to somewhere warm while I wasn't paying attention."

'There's something about being locked up with a 500lb gorilla, highly allergic to cigarette smoke, that works every time.'

'Any place that doesn't have snow.'

"You could try watching your diet or getting more exercise – but you'll just be delaying the inevitable."

"20% of medical opinion may change every five years...but it won't be the 20% that says smoking 20 a day and being 5 stone overweight is bad for you!"

"Hey, it's the scouting virus! It doesn't affect your pc, it just makes you want to go camping!"

"I'm just going to stay in the car until all the bees die off."

'Been coming here for years and never bumped into anyone who knows me . . . weird!'

Lawyers don't go to the beach, because cats try to bury them.

'You get the diet book which you won't read, the exercise bar you won't use and the workout CD which you won't watch, for only $29.99.'

'You need to go on a diet. Your spare tyres are getting spare tyres!'

"I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone that does yard work."

Good parenting.