Oscar Aspirant Pillows

'Most of all, I'd like to thank god. . .'

"We need to make it through at least one movie, so we have something to root for during the Oscars."

Tom Hanks

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

Martin Scorsese

Renee Zellweger as Judy Garland

May I have the envelope, please?

Giving an Oscar to an animal actor would put the academy awards into context.

"Did you know that the average mainstream news portal devotes more space to the oscar in a day than to climate change coverage in the entire year?"

Barbie Oscars

'I can't see my nuts anymore.'

Djargo.

Alicia Vikander

"I don't know which makes me happier: switching to natural gas to save money or watching the fight about fracking in order to get that gas."

Oscar Victory

Will Smith's Oscar

Geoffrey Rush

On the red carpet

Finally. A home exercise system that really is a clothes rack!

"And the Oscar for best wardrobe in a film based on a 17th century picaresque novel goes to..."

' ... and I'd like to thank the Academy.'

"At the moment I just follow, but someday I hope to be followed."

'He's at the pinnacle, but not at the pinnacle of his PROFESSION.'

'...And now the award for best performance by a politician trying to improve his or her poll numbers...'

"At an event some chick publicly badmouthed my husband. I didn't run on stage to knock the lady down because she was right."

Will Smith's Oscar

'We worship celebrity!' People bow down in front of a TV showing the academy awards.

SUPER DREAMER

Do something that takes your mind off smoking.

"True, we could be soaring through the emerald corridors of sunset. What's your point?"

Power of the dog

Andrew Garfield

'So you won't be coming, Mother?'

"He's still upset there's no Oscar for 'most movies watched while eating pizza'."

Meditating