Ornament Appreciator Pillows

Bird house envy.

"Maybe we should cut back on those lawn catalogues."

Long before the GPS, traveling humans found their way around by using an Atlas.

A child at a museum starts to pull the wrappings off a mummy.

Museum. Hours. You're donating your collection of pre-Columbian art? Yes! What's Mayan is yours!

Piles of trash discarded by ancient people are a rich source of artifacts for archaeologists. I unearthed garbage dumps that advanced our understanding of prehistoric societies. On the island of Crete I found ancient trash that increased our knowledge about the Minoan people. And I recently uncovered informative Celtic rubbish. Please stop saying studying ancient cultures by what they threw away is "junk science"!

Snapshots in Time

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

"Don't you sometimes worry that if they do give us our stuff back we'll lose some of the sense of grievance that's so crucial to our cultural identity?"

Future Candidates For "Colorization"

Garden sprinkler in the form of a classical statue

Authentic Rinkelmier chair (Built 1723)

"Your antique gold watch didn't float."

Haunted museum

"There's trouble, boys. Let's pants up and move out!"

"Look, you asked me what my favorite book was and it just happens to be A Farewell to Arms."

'Now, a real collectable to bid on: a signed first edition of The First History of the World.'

"I knew you was mad when you tried to sell me to them "American Pickers" fellers."

I spy with my little eye in the sky …

"No this is timeless classic menswear appreciation. Hipster beatnik is Tuesday nights."

"Put another minnow on my line!"

"Careful now. It's fragile."

"I'll be grateful for the small things, and you can be grateful for the big things - that way, we'll have it covered."

Ernie loves to decorate his Christmas tree. He starts by untangling and testing a string of lights. Every year he makes new popcorn and cranberry garlands. He has to find the right spot for each family heirloom ornament. Now, should I finish it off with Johnny Depp or Beyonce? Ernie has his own idea about putting a star on top!

Mummy is alive at an Egyptian exhibit at a museum.

'Okay dear, it's your turn to go stand in the front yard.'

'Hey, we're in style!'

Painting the Sistine Chapel. 1508. 1509. 1510. 1511. 1512. It looks great, Michelangelo, but there's one thing I don't understand. Why didn't you just paint it in the regular way and then mount it on the ceiling?

'I just think we should start dating other artifacts.'

"I don't know who on Facebook told you, but I can assure you Stradivarius didn't make accordions!"

The Official Talking Christmas Tree in Dress For Excess

"I once dated an archaeologist - but all she kept doing was digging up the past. . ."

Michelangelo's David

Tourist

Dueling marionettes.