Organic Oracle Gifts

"I'm looling for ground beef that's organic, non-GMO, and doesn't contain meat."

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

Hipster Police Department

The Authentic Christmas.

'Oh, no - I have to read each tentacle - that'll be extra, of course.'

A cow goes to the Fortune Teller - 'I can see two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun...!'

Wikipedia...

"You are going to have lots of puppies."

'The only certainties in life are birth, death, taxes, and stock market uncertainty.'

Power/Expenditures

Psychic Car Mechanics.

The End of the Property Boom is Nigh.

'Yes. No. Sometimes. No. No. Yes. Don't know. Sometimes. Yes. Mo.'

Gone to seed.

'Guide us, oh Webmaster.'

"The Great Source keeps afloat, along with a little help from the sharks there."

'Looks like the gods are angry.'

'An expert is one who knows tomorrow why the things he said yesterday didn't happen today.'

I told you way back in 2015 that Donald Trump would be the next president. You called it. You predicted every twist and turn of the election. It was eerie. What's going to happen next, Randy? What's going to happen to us all? Trump will fund research where they use my DNA to make everyone super hot and super chill, and we'll all live in sweet, sexy bliss. HOJ. I'm not sure whether I predicted the future, or whether the future obeyed me. So that one's just in case. Good thinking.

They call me the Groundhog of Love. Romantically speaking, I can bring you an early spring. But if you see my shadow, you can expect six weeks of stalking.

"Why do you want to invest in oil futures?"

'Looks like the income off of our site has went from passive to comatose.'

Palmist Alarmist - Uh ooooh!

"It's asking for your password."

'The first thing I do every morning is arrange all my thoughts in alphabetical order.'

The Death Fires (The Rime of the Ancient Mariner).

'The views expressed are not necessarily those of management. Although it's obvious my cameraman couldn't agree more.'

Organic Beans

"I don't know who my audience is."

"Stay with me. I just want to cross-check your fortune with a quick Google search."

"Im so sorry, he's at a symposium in New Jersey."

"Why don't you see a good dermatologist?"

'I don't do palms anymore... let me see your I-pod.'