Operating Comedian Gifts

"Don't forget! My right is your left and your right is my left."

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

Boss's Desk Says No!

I'm going to practice on you before I start managing other people.

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

"Read our contracts, Ms Donahue. It says 'No Sexual Harassment on the workfloor!'"

'What's wrong now?'

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

Another day at work would be one too many...

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

'So what do you think of my report, sir?'

"Wake up Thomas, it's not 2020. There's no Zoom camera to turn off to hide yourself."

'I know it's a bit unusual, but that's where he gets all the best ideas.'

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

'You did turn the company around... but we liked it the way it was...'

'...we have every new employee spend time on our assembly line. Eight hours, no breaks.'

'Well, I must say I never thought team-building exercises could be such fun.'

It's a new government directive requiring us to be 58% more cheerful within 18 months.

Unto thee shall pass the executive laser pointer. Take this authority and delegate it.

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

'No, they're not my children. They gave me these for doing a good job at work.'

"And finally, I’d like to thank all those people I stepped on and used to get here. I couldn’t have done it without your submissive insecurity and relentless resignation."

'You lack the expertise we're looking for, Mr Wheaton - but darn it, I like your attitude.'

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

'I hear you got your increase.' - 'Yes, that proves my theory, if you whine enough, you get anything you want.'

'Did you get the hard copy from Mr. Dawson?'

"When I said to convince him of the need for change I was hoping you'd use the seductive power of reason and logic."

"And once you've achieved your 25% improvement in client satisfaction surveys, we need you to solve the problem of global warming,third world poverty and cold toast."

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'