Online Jokesters Gifts

'He's just de-man's-best-friended me.'

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

'Hey, what happened to my cookies?'

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"Someone has hacked into our Computer."

"But you didn't say they had to make sense - you just told us to write a thousand words a day."

That isn't what prove you're not a robot means, Bob.

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

Man on desert island using elastic to shoot him off the island.

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

"...and we hope that, for a cyber-crime, you will consider a cyber-penalty."

"Remember, the password is case sensitive."

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

Hey boss, that generic soap you gave me isn't really cleaning the cups. Mind if I go get some brand name stuff? Are you insane? There's zero difference between generic and brand name products. Corporate America just cons people into thinking "you get what you pay for." Don't be a stooge, Rudy. Don't fall for it. Now get in there and scrub those cups, minion! Strike a blow for the little guy against corporate lies! Wait ... I'm very confused. Are you a right-winger or a left-winger? You mean in w

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

Whatcha doing, dad? I'm at work. Logging on. Tree's Tree Nursery.

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

'You should see a doctor. Maybe you have that West Nile thing.'

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! Malaprop Man! I hear you told people in England you're royalty. Yeah, at first they didn't realize that I was only Joe King. I was an error to the throne who rained for forty days and forty knights. It's disappointing though that I never got to see a pig riding contest at Bucking Ham palace. And I never met Sherlock Holmes. He's the guy who followed the foot prince!

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

"You know darn well my maiden name wasn't Rex. Why do you ask?"

"The oracle demands the sacrifice of a virgin or an update of its operating system."

That's no largemouth bass, son - You caught yourself a rare blabbermouth bass. I'm nothin'! A nobody! Throw me back and I'll show you where the really big fish are!

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'