Online Identity Humorist Gifts

"I'm sorry the name you have chosen has already been taken. How about @james_chapman2335 or @chapjames992?"

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

'Alas, poor Yorick, I knew you well. But dude, you're creeping me out, so I gotta un-friend you!'

"Eat not of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. Its sources have yet to be verified."

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

"Did you get my tweet?"

"OMG, LOL!"

Man runs into Bigfoot taking a selfie.

"I'll have you know that, '#dirtylitterbox' is trending on Twitter."

"Will follow you on social media for food."

"I change my mantra every two months so no one can hack my soul."

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"She looks just like in your photos."

"That's the trouble with cute kittens - they attract a lot of traffic."

Chasebook

"Larry, what's the weather forecast?" "Let me ask you something. Did you make waffles this morning? Because someone had maple syrup on their hands, and I seem to recall a hand moving me... a pretty, pretty, pretty sticky hand..."

'Oh no! Is this a blogger I saw before me?'

"Don't worry about her sucking her thumb. Soon she'll be texting with it."

The Smartass Phone

Advertising on the internet.

"You looked a lot bigger on your dating profile."

"The incessant chatter was driving me crackers, so I got him his own twitter account."

Twitter that!

"Alright. What should we watch first - the Youtube video or the comments below?"

"If he has more than 20 followers on Twitter we call him a 'celebrity'."

'The boss said to get rid of all the pirated software before he returns, which will be in about five to ten years.'

'for more obit info, go to...'

Facebook For Dogs.

"Can you take a video of me attacking the garbage so I can post it on Instagram?"

The Escape Key

"Just right click, save as, and now you own the complete works of William Shakespeare."

'Did you auction off our house on eBay?'