Online Article Reader Prints

"I just wish I hadn't spent most of my life reading the comments below online news articles"

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

Breaking News: Earth Crosses Multiple Lanes, Crashes into Sun... Distracted Orbiting to Blame.

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

"The car is in the garage, but I had to drive over the lawnmower."

Reading the sports pages.

"It's me. I'm calling in sick of it."

Sport: Crisis in the Real Madrid.

Rhinoceros Is Most Intelligent Ungulate

"Now that you've won the Super Bowl what will you do next?"

"This is no time for fightin', princess, there's a war on!"

"Well, I think we come back as newspapers." "You're nuts."

You know how Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are known as "Kimye," and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are known as "Branjelina"? I think we should combine "Lance" and "Gloria" into either "Lania" or "Glance." What do you think? I think I won't be needing a menu now, as I'll be busy gagging.

Cleaner dusting under man's toupee.

"And what self respecting tabloid do you think is going to buy photos of Little Foot?"

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

'No, I am not finished with the comics section, now give me back my glasses!'

"Just when I think things couldn’t get any worse, they replace The Lockhorns with Doonesbury!"

"This is the way I like it - I pretend to be asleep and he doesn't bother me."

When Dogs Appear To Be Thinking.

Highlights for Adults

"Someday when you have a kid of your own and you feel the urge to arbitrarily say no just because you can, you'll understand."

'I won't be reading the paper online today, so you can take my computer back to my office.'

'She's the worst gossip I've ever come across.'

"I hope I live long enough to see Bush's view of his legacy come true! I'll be around a long, long, long time!"

"Darling, there's an offer for a time-share nest in Florida: Should we apply?"

'Nothing's happened today-read it dead slowly.'

News and Magazines. New Economic Regulations. "New economic regulations" --- What do you suppose they are? "Come to a complete stop"?

"We'd love to stay longer, but we have to go. Give this to the tabloid press. It explains everything!"

'It's our latest line-suits for t.v announcers'

"Pavlov's Blog."

4-Panel: (1) 'Did you read this article on cockroaches?' (2) 'It says scientists have confirmed conditioned reflexes in cockroaches, just like Pavlov's dogs. I don't know if I believe that!' (4) 'What's for dinner?'

NOW HIRING, 'I don't have any formal training for the position, but I've read all the relevant Wikipedia articles.'

Woman reading: 'How to look hot on the beach this summer.'