Old Souls Gifts

"The new year will begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, and it will feel strikingly similar to the old year."

"If you wish to manifest here, you'll have to change. We don't allow anything past 1950."

Which vaccines did they have when you were young? You cannot get under my skin, loser. Were you vaccinated against the black plague? Not bothering me. Were you vaccinated against leprosy? I am unaffected by you. Were you vaccinated against the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs? Munch mun - When's the last time someone shoved a syrupy pancake down your pants?

(Scheduled) Sex, (Prescription) Drugs & (Classic) Rock & Roll

Man, Lemont … how long's it been? Twenty years? Just about. You still working at Pigville Pork Burgers? Nah … I got a job as the Candorville Chronicles White House correspondent. Then I went on to found Candorville.com, the internet's seventh largest source for news and opinion. Oh. That's cool. That's cool. How do you not know this? We're Facebook friends. I post links to my articles every day. We were roommates all through college, and you don't even read my updates? Facebook's for reading yo

"I like New York, but I miss sleeping drunk on my front lawn."

"Sitting on a beanbag doesn't take me back to the seventies- it just makes me wonder how I'm ever going to get up again."

"Everybody meets online these days."

"You're right, they are statins."

"'CPD'...stuff and nonsense, the old ways are fine for me, now pass me a hammer. I need to put this patient out!"

Man looking at greeting cards labeled "Apologies for not writing sooner" with sub-headings for different lengths of time.

Aging together

'Yes, old friend, we've traveled a long road, made a lot of stops, scooped up a lot of poop...'

"Believe me, I didn't amass a billion dollar fortune just to impress you. But... it does, right?"

"Normally after 365 years we'd be looking at a better figure, but not when you've only worked one day a year!"

'You know, it's kind of nice turning off the sound, turning on closed caption, and listening to piano music.'

"Same old crowd."

Who's Dead

'We,ve still got it,Fred-it's a pity they don't want it anymore!'

Remember when?... When was that?

"How come they remember every word of any pop song but not a single line of poetry?"

"Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

'Well, as I live and breathe. If it isn't Rex Harris! I thought you were extinct.'

The Club

"Ha ha. You tell that one in every lifetime. Ha ha. It never gets old."

"Television repairs....Don't you want to see my identity?"

"I remember when this was all forest..."

Man on park bench: I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

"Yesterday I got in touch with a childhood friend!"

How can you read that comic strip Blondie? Its about a kinder, simpler time. It's about ancient history. They do the same material over and over. Exactly. I can count on it. Not like your stupid Pearls and Get fuzzy. Oooh, look how angry and edgy they are. They're sooo clever! Your whole gig is being angry and edgy. Look, I'm setting Candorville on fire.

'Let's follow this guy you said, he seems to know the way!'

Spring Cleaning

They're nice, but they lack the charm of an older home

"Drop by the next time you're in the eighties."

To put your right foot in, press 5...to take it out, press 6... to put...