Office Shenanigans Lover Pillows

'I'm being an asshole on this because I'm an asshole on everything!'

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

'Apparently, Smith's desk just couldn't withstand the weight of the paperwork we piled on his desk.'

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'What's wrong now?'

'Does your mother know you keep a messy office?'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'We're just like family. Stop mumbling, Cindy. Straighten up, Fred. Get that hair out of your eyes, Janet...'

Trays on desk read, 'Here', 'There' and, 'Neither here nor there.'

'I have much less stress since I replaced my in box with a paper shredder.'

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

'I'm sure he was a great guy, but there's a new Pharaoh in town.'

'You can drop all the hints you like, Jones. We're not buying you a computer.'

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

"I made money the old fashioned way. I inherited it."

'I give this one about three months...'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is, none of us will be alive then.'

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

'I don't like our new copier, it sliced my report into hundreds of tiny strips.'

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

'We will not kick the can down the road... Does anyone know how to use a can opener?'

"No, I'm not really a CEO. I just like to keep up with the Joneses."

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

'That's Oog -- he got a haircut and a job.'

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