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'I'm being an asshole on this because I'm an asshole on everything!'

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

'Apparently, Smith's desk just couldn't withstand the weight of the paperwork we piled on his desk.'

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'What's wrong now?'

'Does your mother know you keep a messy office?'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

Trays on desk read, 'Here', 'There' and, 'Neither here nor there.'

'We're just like family. Stop mumbling, Cindy. Straighten up, Fred. Get that hair out of your eyes, Janet...'

'I have much less stress since I replaced my in box with a paper shredder.'

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

"I made money the old fashioned way. I inherited it."

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

'You can drop all the hints you like, Jones. We're not buying you a computer.'

'I'm sure he was a great guy, but there's a new Pharaoh in town.'

'I give this one about three months...'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is, none of us will be alive then.'

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'

'We will not kick the can down the road... Does anyone know how to use a can opener?'

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

'I don't like our new copier, it sliced my report into hundreds of tiny strips.'

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

"Gentleman I believe I've found a revolutionary new way for us to more productively waste our lives."

'That's Oog -- he got a haircut and a job.'

The World's First Electronic Paperweight

"No, I'm not really a CEO. I just like to keep up with the Joneses."