Office Humor Aficionado Gifts

"For God's sake, Edwards. Put the laser pointer away."

"I need someone well versed in the art of torture- do you know PowerPoint?"

'Thank you for holding - your call is important to us.'

"Shall I file it or do you want to find it again?"

"According to our time-and-motion studies, you handle your time very well but a lot of your motion is wasted."

"When I said I didn't mind you having lunch at your desk, I was thinking of a light snack."

'Face it, we're never going to reach a consensus.'

'He's not finished his 'communicating with empathy' training.'

'So, you've no experience, no skills and a poor grasp of reality... Have you considered consulting?'

"While you were out, sir, the company, rudderless and adrift, operated pretty much the same as always."

"The article you sent me on how technology causes stress crashed my computer."

'Right, now that a relationship of trust has been established, let's get down to business, shall we ?'

"Come in, Timpson. I'd love to hear your opinions of the new marketing strategy - so long as they don't clash with mine."

'Whatever happened to the good old principle of 'Hire 'em and Fire 'em'?'

Vice President in Charge of Smoke and Vice President in Charge of Mirrors

"Let's go back to the scenario in which none of this is my fault."

"We produce an inferior line of goods. That's why we're looking for a real first class marketing man."

'If you ask me, someone needs to tell Mergers and Acquisitions to cool it for a while!'

'The complaints against you are as follows: You don't return calls, you don't encourage your staff, and you're nobody's best friend.'

Over enthusiastic headhunter

Sign at complaints booth: 'Ran out of excuses'

'They don't really encourage feedback around here, do they?'

Very busy at Indian call centre. Laid-back in UK office. Man asks: 'Could we outsource tea-making?'

'Can I check my emails first?'

"We want you to be more imaginative in your work...and this is how we want you to do it."

A New Role For Desk Organizers.

'The numbers aren't working.'

'Poor work habits can be contagious, so we usually quarantine our new employees for a period of observation.'

'What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.'

'I think I'm right for this job because I'm a real people person. Now, are you going to hire me or not? I don't have all freakin' day!'

'He's the most important man here - He writes the compliance procedures for the DEPARTMENT of Compliance!'

"Unfortunately, we lost the notes on this portion of our sales strategy."

'We'll keep your application on file and if we ever lower our standards...'

'Okay, let's take a vote. All those opposed to my ideas raise their hands and say I resign.'

Health & Safety - Getting the Risk Assessment Forms.