Office Critic Pillows

Who's In Charge Here?

"If it weren't for the illusion of security, the health plan, the pay, the friendships. . . I'd leave this stupid company!"

"Would you say this guy is a rigid thinker?"

"The problem isn't so much too many chiefs and too few braves but too few brave chiefs."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"Whereas we used to display losses in shocking and offensive red, we now display them in warm and comforting toasted almond."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

"That's six 'noes' and one 'aye', the ayes have it"

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"Of course we'll give you a choice. Would you prefer to lose your job to outsourcing or to robotic automation?"

I've given you 110 for ten years, like you asked. Now I'm taking that year off that I've earned!

'Does anyone else have any complaints?'

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

"Look at them smiling. They've reached their comfort zone."

'He always has your back - - - but it's mostly to step on.'

'Our company hasn't changed much over the years. Most ideas still come from the top.'

'I call it cubicilism'

"Well the good news is that we came top in at least one category of the latest diversity tables..."

A worker has 3 trays, and in tray, an out tray and a can we talk about it in the morning? tray

"It's just the boss building consensus."

'We're encouraged to be individuals here - look, there's a menu of three personality types to choose from.'

'The shareholders are in an uproar; they demand change. Bob, switch seats with Gerald.'

"By golly, if I can make it an enjoyable environment then it's no longer work, it's fun!..."

'The problem is, you don't take enough pride in your temporary, no benefit, below living wage job!'

Employee Shredder.

'What I like most about the new boss is that you always know EXACTLY where you stand with him!'

"You are domineering, foulmouth and aggressive - how would you like to be foreman?"

"I can fit you into a small cubicle on the third floor if you think you can lose twenty pounds."

'I see you're big on building up staff morale.'

"It's NOT discrimination, Derek - it's just 'health and safety...'"

Affirmative response executive - Remember when they were just called 'yes-men'?

"As long as you insist that we hire executives smarter than you, how about we get ones that smell better, too?"

"I know the boss's bark is worse than his bite, but the fact he barks at all is kinda scary."

Input (not yours) and Output (only mine).