Number Nerd Gifts

'In other words, statistics prove that statisticians aren't always right.'

'That's it! That's the chart we've been looking for.'

Teacher: 'As an adult you'll probably only use a quarter of what you're taught at school - which brings us to fractions.'

'And you'll be pleased to notice, sir, that we had to eliminate the top of the chart.'

'It's your other 0.5.'

'Here, take my number. Of course it's 6.02 X 10^23. I'm frickin' Avogardo! Ha! Get it? It's my number!'

I often thought that I should have been a weaver of words,someone who danced and sang his way into peoples souls and through my imagination led others into a world of dreams and intoxicating revelry...But auditing offered a much better pension.

Consumption Graph.

'If you go on a diet and lose five pounds, only to gain ten the following month, how many infuriating godforsaken pounds do you weigh?'

"What do you mean it's wrong? In ethics we learned the truth is always subjective!"

"I'm a Schedule D kind of guy with a little Schedule E thrown in."

"Let's switch things up. Today you crunch the numbers and I'll count the beans."

'I think your son shows aptitude for becoming a pollster. After each Math answer he writes 'plus or minus 10%.''

'Oh, Wow! You write math books? That's wonderful! Where do you get your ideas?'

An Everyday Explanation of the Federal Budget.

"After years of painstaking research, I can finally reveal this equation. It proves conclusively that, I am a chick magnet!"

"For this year's financial picture, we've done away with graphs."

'Haven't you ever heard of statistical manipulation?'

'Algebra is like arithmetic, only X-rated.'

'Here we began seeing the glass half empty.'

"Yo, this should be a two."

Accountant working with computer program thinks to self: 'Let's just round this column off to the nearest nickel.' Caption: 'Rebel Accountant'

'Are you good with decimals? Our certificate of deposit is currently paying 0.025%.'

"I finally memorized my bug number."

Math Jokes

"Maybe you're taking my answer out of context."

'Mathematician's Rap.'

'The jury wants to know which is more - bajillion or gazillion?'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

'Having conducted a comprehensive analysis of dozen of subsets of data from a wide range of sources we've confirmed that the likely answer is 36...now we just need to identify the question.'

"Darling, you complete me!"

"Actually we're one of the few businesses that enjoy VAT visits."

"I don't know if it's truly a zero sum game, but our game sure summed to zero."

"I think we retire too many numbers."

"Life is a numbers game, junior. There are the add and the subtract years..."