Novice Diyer Pillows

DIY expert.

'You're a genius, Hoppy!'

'Mum! Come and see the coffee-table I've made with my new tool-set!'

"The instructions for the beer-making kit you gave me? Didn't need them -- I figured it out for myself. Drink up."

'Well, I think it's very creative of the dog to make a wig from his shed hair.'

'Have you got one of those things you use to knock nails in...?'

Witch Hardware

"This is my first book, but if I like it I may buy another in the near future."

'Don't worry, she's going to hold the nails.'

"The latest news on the gardening fashion front is 'Ditch the decking'!"

"What's my collar size?"

"Now just open wide and relax. Uncle Fred has told me he has a way to fix your braces faster and cheaper than that overpriced orthodontist."

Wrong end of extension cord.

Man and boy looking at a birdhouse they have just built. It has a vacancy sign outside it like a motel.

'You may well, Ms. Ferris, one day write a 'Fifty Shades of Grey' bonkbuster, but today your account is one shade of red.'

Ikeasaurus

BOOKSHOP, 'We're pushing our do-it-yourself kit today, sir -- a ream of paper and a dozen pencils.'

Santa's elves were caught resting on their laurels.

A janitor stomps on, mops up and bottles some grapes to make "Truly Affordable Beaujolais".

I really hope the agent likes my submission... - '' - 'This is perfect.' - '' - 'Absolutley perfect.'

Tools for fools; A hand-knitted try square.

'Man with birds nesting in hair.'

"You didn't read the fine print. This roach spray attracts them."

Sunflower yellow

"Not a problem Miss: If it's too tight, I'll open it up a bit for you..."

'I see you're adding a patio.'

Suddenly Jeff Wished He Hadn't Changed His Desktop Wallpaper.

'Disaster in the making...'

"Great way to change wallpaper. I've put them on rollers."

'Alice, the blonde, speaking.'

'He made that sofa himself, the last thing he ever made!'

Weekend Warrior

"Why can't we have a proper burglar alarm?"

"You put in the batteries the opposite way!"

Punk painting his walls 'White with a hint of puke'