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It became increasingly difficult for the captain to reward his crew and still maintain his ferocious reputation.

Captain Ahab (Ret.)

'Are you going exploring or retrieving a duck?'

Man walks past 'busking' iPod, complete with hat for change. Screen reads: 'Now playing Streets of London.'

"I knew we should have gotten the shorter tree."

101 uses of a dead cat: disguise.

'You can never go wrong with a nice fruit basket and a severed horse's head.'

'35 pairs of braces please, I'm going bungee jumping.'

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"Just to let you know, I've pencilled you in for next Wednesday..."

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

"Can you make me look like Wolverine?"

"I've put on a few ounces, but it's mostly paperweight."

It's great for pulling the birds!

I love Museum Shops

Baloneystini

"Yes, we’d like to buy a grow house." "Chia Pet’s first purchase."

"Every abductee gets a souvenir mug."

"And when the extended warranty kicks in, we send you a big can of new car smell."

'There's a little bit of my late husband in every glass - I used his ashes as a fining agent.'

'Brand X, the wine for those with indiscriminate taste.'

Barry gradually realised that buying a small car had its disadvantages

"Fit watch say me need more steps."

Emergency Underpants

"Krazy straw"

The Old Curiosity Shop

"Leftovers"

What's really in junk food...

Chocolaterie Don Giovanni - Chocolate Footwear.

With the Inflatable Pocket Potty, you'll never have to wait in line again at the stadium.

"Where'd you get the business mitts?"

The edge on this blade gives a close shave. Guaranteed to last a lifetime.

"No plans set in stone yet, but I'll probably spend some time getting on my wife's last nerve, maybe hyperfocus on the lawn."

I'm with Stew Pidd shirt.

One size fits all