Notifications Gifts

It was … Beep. Unread text notification. It was … Yo, what up? It was the … Reading@tree. It was the … Beep. Facebook update notification. It was the best of … Beep, beep. New tweet. It was the best of times, it was the worst … Beep, beep, beep!!!

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"My email is down... talk to me."

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

Lynching on social media

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"Obama didn’t get to name a Supreme Court justice during his final year. So how come Trump does?"

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

"The leadership team wants a catchy acronym for a new social media app they're calling Functional Applied Relationship Tracker. Any suggestions?"

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

'Are you sure that's the right map?'

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

'How fast can you hype?'

Hey, calm down --- Now, what did you say again?

'I have a plan 'B' but that's also dependent on a working projector bulb.'

Squeezing the Free Press.

They're Not Just That Into It

The fate of the emigrant

Campaign for Plain English

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

'The church says the Earth is flat, but I know that it is round for I have seen the shadow on the Moon, and I have more faith in a shadow than in the Church.'

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

21st century water cooler conversations.

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"Shall we start with an icebreaker?"

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"