Nostalgic Mathematician Gifts

"Frank, I need your help. The computers are down, but I was told you know how to multiply two numbers together."

There were lots of school subjects in the relationship with my first sweetheart. At first it was simple math - one plus one. Then the attraction grew. Oh, lots of chemistry. Economics and geography became a problem. I had no money and her family moved to another town. I ran into her the other day. It was awkward. Ah, I see too much history there!

'In case of computer bug break glass.'

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

Toy Shops and Educated Children

"Well, you say it's wrong, but it could be correct in an alternative universe."

Kindergarten. Today; Simon Says. I don't know who this "Simon Says" is, but he could make a killing in product endorsements!

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

'I've crunched the numbers and you can afford to increase my allowance by 15.5%.'

"I love the equation that describes the slope of your nose."

Wizard of Oz - repeat fees

How Grandma Sees the Remote

The End of the World is postponed from 2000 to 2112.

"Back in my day, kids had a little respect for the law of gravity."

'Call Me Old-Fashioned, But I Liked It Better When They Didn't Shave Their Armpits.'

'Remember the good old days when the research department consisted of some studious types with a stack of annual reports?'

'Oh, Wow! You write math books? That's wonderful! Where do you get your ideas?'

'Sir, we need to upgrade our technology. We've used up our last roll of ticker tape.'

"I enjoy books a lot more now that I can consistently color inside the lines."

"That's where the tenured faculty members hang out."

'Do you feel as foolish as I do, having a conference with Billy's teaching machine?'

Post Office: Why Not E-Mail It?

"Gentlemen, on my signal, walk ten paces, turn around, and try to remember why you came out here."

'Someday, when our pre-frontal cortexes are fully developed, we'll look back on this and shake our heads.'

"They make us learn reading, writing, and arithmetic to prepare us for a world of videotapes, computer terminals and calculators."

'Dad's old school teacher was really strict. He still has to go back every night, to finish his detention!'

I got my bad back from an old football injury.

They all thought they'd be astronauts...instead they're all accountants.

Warning: Contents may settle over time.

"This is the coldest winter I can remember."

"I worry about today's kids, all they want to do is sit in the cave and stare at the fire."

"I like you and all, Carl, but you've just got too many problems."

"Big choices today Mr. retired board of directors. 2 ply or 3 ply?"

Math/After Math

When he was 16, Ed's dad gave him his choice between a car and a computer. Now he sits, busted down, far from the edge of the info superhighway!