Nostalgic Humorist Pillows

'How do you want to be known, as the discoverer of fire or as the first man to pollute the atmosphere?'

'Replaced by analytical software. I should have seen it coming.'

'Dad, is it true that before we had hard drive crashes, the dog used to eat your homework?'

'He flunked everything except 'Self-Esteem.''

'Before you look at that, you should know I found an old report card of yours in the attic.'

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Horsekeeping - No. X.

'Communications are down. Good thing we kept our Pony Express rider around.'

Man hitting a TV and going out of focus himself.

"They don't play Mummies and Daddies these days-now its Wife Swappies!"

'Al was competitive to the end!'

'I remember when a 'hotspot' didn't mean a sandwich place with Wi-Fi.'

'But it's another 34,000 years until Christmas.'

'Why do they always call right in the middle of dinner?'

Baby boomers anthem.

Sometimes I think I liked it better when they gave out cigars. (new fathers are covered in bubble gum).

'Remember Sarah Palin? Remember Joe the plumber? Remember sex?'

"Your room is exactly as you left it."

Things you say when you are officially old...

"I was feeling bad about my report card until I found one of yours in the attic."

"It was a double ring ceremony. Both our phones rang."

"I said I USED TO BE A BABY BOOMER!"

'In my day, bears worked for their honey.'

'Gathering maybe more practical than hunting, but I'm too old for a career change.'

The Old School Tie.

"Hey Burt, shat happened to your eyebrow?""Botox."

'John I'm just taking the cart to do some internet shopping.'

'Oh dear! You know your getting old when policemen look younger.'

'I can still remember the good old days when I used to go through your pockets!'

"If you spent more time hunting and gathering and less time posting on social media we'd have something to eat around here."

'He was double jointed. I could always find him either in McPhearson's Tavern or Al's Bar.'

Cave Cow striving to master the secret of fire. When She succeeds, she's scared of it and runs away screaming.

"Is this the sweet rosy-cheeked little girl I used to know 30 years ago?"

"Honey! Remember when we first met and you used to nibble my ear?"

'Remember when Christmas came after hallowe'en?'

'My 70th...hmmm.. that's shelter, food and sex out of the way. I guess it's time to move on to life's next challenge; mastery over my environment.'