Norm Critic Gifts

"Look...your school mailed its new student dress code. It says no skullcaps...no facial piercings...no sagging or torn pants...and no bare midriffs. Sorry...that last one was just for girls."

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

Reading my Critics

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

"If I Can Make One Critic Smile..."

"Heads up! It's another tidal wave of overwrought critical hyperbole!"

'It's cutting edge theatre.'

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

'We consult those with whom we agree, which is why I rarely consult my conscience.'

"This is an excellent story, Doris, so far."

A man on a giant book poses as Rodin's The Thinker.

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

"Did you read my review on Amazon? Four out of four people found it helpful."

The Mainstream

'He knows everything about art. But he doesn't know what he likes.'

Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

The new Physics

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

'Bloomsbury Group, members only'

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

Constructive Criticism 50c.

Dog writes a review: 'A sublime book, I devoured it in one sitting ...'

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.

Caveman sees comment section below cave drawings,

"Let's go on vacation, get disappointed, complain about prices, read terrible novels, buy trashy souvenirs, miss the dog and look forward to coming home."

"Now this is what I call an honest little pub!"

Samuel Beckett

"You'll never believe who's here."

Seamus Heaney

"Hang on! - we've possibly go another couple of films left in here!!"

The Algonquin Round Table

Bernard Levin