Non-techie Hero Gifts

'I can't work with computers, on account of my animal magnetism.'

Cow of BEEF

"I said, 'I'm not on duty! I just came back to get my flip-flops.'"

"People will pay anything to get away from it all. These babies don't even have WiFi on them."

'Oh, relax. Stopping to ask how to use the GPS does not violate the male decree against asking directions.'

"There's no phones, social media, selfies, reality TV, online trolls, political-correctness or fake news."

"I'm worried about little Gwendoline. She's ignoring her phone and thinking on her own!"

'I'm trying to figure out online shopping. I've found some pants I like, but I can't find a fitting room.'

"Now right-click on the icon."

"Hi, Timmy. It's Lassie. She's stuck in the well again."

'They call it a remote because that's the chnaces of me being able to program it.'

"Looks like another case of someone over forty trying to understand Snapchat."

I've got no cell phone, no computer, no grumbling wife, no stupid boss. Feel free to envy me.

'I steal from the rich databases and give to the poor databases.'

"It happens every time we get a new piece of equipment...He won't invest the time to study the instructions and it ends in disaster."

Thankyou for choosing our automated service - for venial sins, press one...'

Man in cell phone shop - 'Do you have a phone that just phones?'

'Fighting evil, fighting evil, fighting evil...oh, wait, how about the 17th, say noonish?'

'And then Steve Jobs invented apple computers.'

'Why can't you collect stamps like everybody else'

Computer basics for non-geeks: MOUSE PAD.

Computer use issues

"Daddy why are your hands so soft?" "That's because I'm effeminate son."

Death never accounted for Mrs O'Grady's handbag.

"Yellow? Don't call us until it's at least an orange alert."

'Bob's served the company as man and boy, and as cantankerous old moaner who doesn't understand IT.'

'When it comes to texting, I'm all thumbs.'

"I'm sending you back to elementary school so you can get your computer skills up."

"I can't call nobody on this newfangled dang cellular telephone!" "That's the TV remote, Roy."

"My dad? Forget about it! He's clueless about cells...he'd never read my text messages...trust me!"

"O.K., you've just sentenced him to twenty-five years to life – now push 'send.'"

"For your birthday I'm going to give you 24 hours technical support."

'Not speaking to each other in a whole new medium!'

"OK, Zoomer"