Nighttime Strategists Pillows

"I'm just going to ring the doorbell so I have a chance of a spot in the bed."

"Stag poker"

"No, four glasses of water was enough. . . now I have to go to the bathroom!"

The date was going well. She was better looking, but he was about to gain the nutritional edge.

Baseball Dreams

"Goodnight, Dan, you handsome devil!"

'But I'm not tired yet!!!'

'Sorry!...Recalculating.'

"I can't cook, but I can pay."

'My mom won't let me play 'Merchants of Mayhem.' I tried, but she's a game changer.'

"It would keep me awake all night, but I'm up for a game of coffee pong first thing in the morning."

"You'll come? Great." "The Hendersons will be too." "We'll kill them at poker." "Phil and Edna, planning a murder for later that night."

'Here's the secret to a profitable 99-cent pint night - 14 ounces of foam, 2 ounces of beer.'

"Must you bring your work to bed?"

Oh, come on. Don't think of this as 'going to bed.' Think of this as a short break between nighttime naughtiness and morning mayhem.

"Tonight the covers stay on my side."

'There are four reasons for him to cry...he's hungry, he's wet, a pin is sticking him, or he wants to wake you up from a sound sleep.'

'Sometimes late at night I'm not sure the leading economic indicators know where they're going,'

'We just have to win this account, Barbara and I have another litter on the way!'

"Do we have to go Dutch tonight, Arnie? I fancy a Chinese."

"See you in the morning."

"Oh, it's just what they call it. I'm sure you can do it at night, too."

The night-shift had an ingenious way of staying awake during the long nights!

"If I knew what our 401k was doing maybe I could sleep."

'I've completely forgotten what fourth gear's for.'

"Star light star bright please let me wake up tomorrow and be a cat so I can sleep more and won't get my heart broken so much."

"Here's the plan. I use white noise to cover your snoring and you use earplugs to cover the white noise."

Suggestion box attached to headboard on bed

"Do you have anything that would make him seem a lot more attractive?"

"Did I remember to lock the dungeon?"

"I'm not 'looking to further my toxic agenda' I'm just telling you it's your bedtime."

"I should just sleep on the toilet and save myself the trips."

'I'd invite you in for coffee - but I've run out of condoms'