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Stop Smoking Programe.

The Life of Pi

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

"But you didn't say they had to make sense - you just told us to write a thousand words a day."

'In my experience, life is good most of the time, but come the holidays, they look at me as if I'm a nuisance...'

I can't decide what to read, Gourmet or Weight Watchers.

"There's got to be an easier way to lie around the house."

'Face it, you'd be lost without me!'

Mono-Tasking, Multi-Tasking, No-No Tasking and Nada Tasking.

'I haven't had the urge for a cigarette for two days. How's the patch working for you?'

"FYI that the novocaine will numb the pain caused by the drill but won’t help with the pain caused by the overhead adult contemporary music."

I cannot tell you why men will not ask for directions

Number Phobia.

'The nicotine patch should get you off the nicotine gum.'

"Oh shut up."

'Since he stopped smoking, he doesn't know what to do with his mouth.'

"I never realized trying to have a baby would mean replacing the soft music and candlelight with an ovulation strip, a thermometer, and a starter pistol."

'You're meant to take off the old nicotine patches before putting on a new one!'

"And would you like to continue paying no taxes at the 15, 10 or 20% rate?"

'When you put on a new nicotene patch you're supposed to take the old ones off!'

Pick a direction.

"Dad, how often have I told you there's no point in trying to start an argument with the sat-nav?"

Parents sleeping on big pile of nappies while baby sleeps in bed

"You must cut down on your smoking."

'That is one absorbent nappy.'

"I hope that the next time you dive into a good book, you first check to see how deep it is!"

Moral Ambiguity

'I swear Ruby it's the laws one...'

Snooze Cruise

Napquest

Swerving and arguning lane

For centuries, I've trusted my gut. Which one of you talked me into using GPS? Recalculating.

No smoking initiative.

'Yes, please, go on and on about the interaction between the wine's bouquet and the various inner parts of your nose.'

My book agent, Laurie, sold my memoirs. It's a gut-wrenching tale of how I overcame the odds. It's based on actual events. Not actual events in my life. They didn't ask! The memoir mantra: Don't as, don't tell.