Newsroom Staff Gifts

An expletive of editors

'What sort of mission statement is that?'

Multi-tasking.

"The president demands that staff take responsibility for failures, and the multi-trillion deficit is down to YOU!"

Gay Times...

'These are job perks.'

'The ultimate sign of success is when no one puts you on hold.'

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'

'Congratulations Smith, you got that promotion. Commiserations Reid, you got that demotion.'

Stressed employee says to colleague: 'I think I'm on top of the situation and I hope I'm in the loop, but I can't seem to get ahead of the curve.'

Busy office.

'Once, long ago, I thought I was wrong...but it turned out I was mistaken.'

'Normally, I would give credit where credit is due but we're in a credit crunch. Therefore, I will take all the credit for your hard work on this project.'

'You obviously took my suggestion to reduce stress to the extreme.'

'This one is for keeping 'On Message' in the spin wars.'

"I'm giving you a 300% salary increase, and four months paid leave."

Brainstorm in progress.

The role of administration.

'Brains...brains...brains...'

'Look Jefferson, much as I respect your emphasis of the informal approach...'

'It was at this point that the executive group began its hatha flow retreats.'

"The after-dinner mint is the boss's idea. I think it's superfluous."

Sales.

"I intend to stay in this job, come Hell or high water."

'At this juncture in my presentation, I'd like to dispense with the illusion of coherence.'

'Stevens, get in here. I need a few minutes with the left side of your brain.'

"I'm glad you felt able to get that off your chest...now could we discuss next year's targets?"

Around here it got a little tricky...

'And Steven here takes care of the donkey work.'

Occupant.

'Yes sir, I'll get right on it. Would you like it done with or without gusto?'

'It's my spare tire. Why do you ask?'

'I hear they're letting you go. Your family must have paid the ransom.'

'Miss Hartley, implement me a coffee and a cheese danish.'