News Known-it-all Gifts

'Isn't this the paper that everybody reads?'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"Obama didn’t get to name a Supreme Court justice during his final year. So how come Trump does?"

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

Squeezing the Free Press.

They're Not Just That Into It

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

Trump pardons

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

'Let's go to our education reporter for more underreporting of school success stories.'

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"Well, how do things look from where you sit?"

"I can't decide what I fear the most, Putin's Russia or Putin's America."

"See..? We told you there was nothing there..."

Difference of Opinion

Meet the Enemy

'I think I'll stay in and try to catch up on my reading.'

"We won!"

'Thank heavens! For a minute there I thought it was the news!'

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

CIA report

News Internecine: Murdoch succession battle

A little bird told me...

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

Laughingstock

'Now for today's numbers...'Bad Dogs' outnumbered 'Good Dogs' by two-to-one...'

Our Two Parties, Explained

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

Taking Credit after Voting against Stimulus

Public Relations: Reputations cleaned and repaired

Trump Poutine