Know-it-all Humor Gifts

'Consulting services: know-it-alls wanted"

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

'I thought the memo was quite clear. What part didn't you understand?'

"I thought you were out front telling the fence company how to do their job."

'You've probably heard of me. I'm an author, consultant and lecturer in the fields of authoring, consulting and lecturing.'

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

"Good grief, Bradbury! How long have you been working at home?"

'To summarize: the visual joke brings on a very fast reaction, but the verbal joke is remembered longer.'

"I know I've matured because I choose to purchase my own candy instead of stealing my children's."

'What do you mean 'What would Jane Austen do?''

"No, actually the viola is played more like this."

Ignorance of the law rarely keeps some attorneys from practicing it.

'Isn't this the paper that everybody reads?'

"Every time he's right, he does that."

"A lot of people say that absence is my best feature."

"Ed woke each morning at dawn to feed his pets, and each morning at dawn, Bruno and Luna frightened Ed. Yaaaaa! Wha? Who's there?!"

'That Jimmy is sickening!'

'Cleverclogs here has all the answers but never the right ones!'

Internet Epitaphs

'What's more - if you transfer from your present religion today, you'll qualify for our special introductory offer of forgiveness of all sins and guaranteed everlasting life.'

'You just had to throw the manual out didn't you? Big man can figure everything out for himself...'

"Must you always have an answer?"

Trivia night - the arrival of God causes worry amongst the other competitiors.

'What have you got for the man who knows everything?'

'When is the world going to realize that we know everything?!'

"All the latest scientific research seems to indicate that I'm right about everything."

How to know if a guru has been possessed by your third grade teacher's spirit.

'I don't need them. My wife knows everything.'

"Honey, Quick! Look At These Idiots Living Without My Opinion!"

"I need to look younger because I'm incredibly immature for my age."

"That just shows how little you know."

'We have no use for an encylopedia in this house. My husband thinks he knows everything.'

"I'm thinking of giving up being an international sex symbol."

"So this is it...the last day of my favorite comic strip."

"I seem to have lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?"