News Avoidance Gifts

'The evening news will not be seen tonight, because most of it is stuff you're better off not knowing anyway.'

"At last — no Trump."

"It's not unusual to feel stressed, anxious, unsure of the future...the political world is in disarray, we've gone through a turbulent time. You have to protect yourself! And I'd start by avoiding any news and especially anything to do with the prospect o

'The news on tv is SO depressing, I've decided to stop watching it.' 'Is that permitted?!'

"Would you feel better, Sue...if we stopped watching the news?"

I.T. Fear

Fear of news.

"It's a beautiful day. I should go for a walk. . . Oh, now my neighbors are all out there."

"Tarzan no want computer."

"It makes me happy that you took time to read the newspaper today."

"Let's see what's going on in the world."

'I can't work with computers, on account of my animal magnetism.'

"You doomscroll, I make coffee, and together we forge bravely into each new day."

'So glad we ticked the no publicity box.'

'I'm going to prescribe for you to stay away from the news on TV and all social media!'

Election Cancelling Headphones

Fred gives up his MP3 Player in favor of conch shells.

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

LIBERAL MEDIA POLLS, 'Do you think President Obama is doing a great job, a wonderful job, or an absolutely terrific job?'

Woman Feeds Her Husband Through the Morning Paper.

"Read a little about it"

"I'm actually looking forward to age-related hearing loss."

'How did you cope before 24-hour rolling gossip?'

2016 Policlicks

The Occupy a Barstool Movement.

New Jersey Cops Gone Wild

"Oh good, there's nothing on."

Print Media

"Honey, quick! Look at this — CNN is showing actual news!"

"I envy you, not having any idea of what's going on these days."

Sell me your souls and I'll make all cell phones and computers go away."

"The Sunday New York Times — Shredded edition"

'I'm all for recycling newspapers, but I don't go for this printing a new paper directly on top of the old one.'

"Now isn’t this better than that silly Super Bowl game?"

"Oh my God have you seen this sh-"