Newborn Birth Pillows

'Once they're born they immediately begin to depreciate.'

Britain is full - 'You'll have to excuse your father.'

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'How many spoons do you need to feed a baby?'

'Look, dad, the hair apparent!'

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

"His first out-of-body experience."

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

Batman at the Maternity Ward

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Cry babies.

'I've had some baby sized clubs made.'

baby sweetcorn...

Pool attached to child's bed.

A midwife holding a baby

Late night teddy reading

'Honey, where's my cell phone?'

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

Swinging on a star.

'The child is very illogical'

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"They're so adorable at that age!"

A newborn parachutes to safety after the stork carrying him gets hit by a plane.

'Hi hon! How's the little monster?'

"I'm starting him off with a little rope theory."

Being and Nothingness Pop-Up! (book)

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

"For the girls—Kimberly, Caitlin, Lauren, Cindy, and Tracy. For the boys—Cameron, Christopher, Adam, Jeffrey, and Gregory."

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

A mother and baby elephant

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'