New Job At A Corporate Office Gifts

This is the first time I've been on the top management floor.

No, I didn't know they were going to cut the office furniture budget in half.

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

"This position has become very important to the company."

"I wonder if A.I. will inevitably become as tired and depressed as we are."

"Well, ordinary men have colleagues. Successful men have victims."

'That's our mission statement.'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

So which rung are you on my corporate ladder?

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

21st century water cooler conversations.

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

'Do you remember when our time away from the office was our time...'

'I vote we hang the darn thing upside down and go home!'

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'He got a raise but not enough to help him clear the fence.'

Do Not Resuscitate

"Don't worry about your purchase not working. Everything we sell here is totally non-functional."

Work/Life Balance

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

Areas of the Body Where Stress Can Manifest

Work Parfait

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

ZOOM 'n' GLOOM.

'They sold the company in 2001? I was wondering why things were slow.'

"How's your insomnia?" "Bad, I can't even fall sleep during meetings."

Overworked in the office

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"Rolled-up sleeves, no coat, loose tie...it's my casual confrontational look."

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

"I hate performance review season."