New Health Journey Pillows

"Your bad cholesterol is trying to persuade your good cholesterol to switch sides."

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

Be Healthy

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

"Would you like me to give it to you straight or sugar-coated?"

Tired executive going into gym coming out gleaming

"That's a big fat lie!"

"You need to lose 20 cable channels."

'I did have a tummy-tuck...But I opted for reconstruction surgery at the same time.'

"Grandmother, what big diastolic numbers you have."

Dieting Motivation.

'Looks like Shelia has overdone it with the cream scones this week!'

Men's Health Screenings.

"You're just a shell of your former self. You need to improve your diet."

"Keep goin', Harry. No pain, no gain!"

Women holding onto birds so that her weight seems lower

Scales

Ed finally had to admit that his body was less of a temple and more of a worn-out parish church with a bouncy castle out front.

"I’d like to return my Fitbit—It won’t stop calling me a lazy piece of sh*t."

Attack of the 'health' foods

"Dear Diary... I've stopped smoking, and I'm sticking to my diet."

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

'But I think shopping three times a week is more than enough exercise!'

"If you follow my orders and break those bad habits, you'll be in as good a shape as you've never been."

"Until we get more employees to join, we'll just have to roll with the paunches."

'I've added a few minutes to that hour glass figure I had in school.'

'Nevermore.'

"My brain said, exercise....my tummy auto-corrected that to, extra-fries!"

'I see you've managed to cut your coffee consumption in half.'

'You have to give up this devil-may-care fattitude.'

"Is it working?"

Exercising in Confinement

'What we have here is a hostage situation - There's a thin person inside you screaming to get out.'