Nervous Storyteller Pillows

"You have the right to remain silent, but fair warning: I'm super uncomfortable with silence and will fill it with increasingly personal stories that I'll regret sharing later."

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

'I guess my brain just started to really care about itself.'

"Sorry lad, ye can't be having' me pot o' toilet paper."

"How sweet, your hand is trembling."

'We're doing a fly on the wall documentary.'

"Hello, my name is Karl and I'm addicted to speaking to small groups of strangers."

"I don't know what I'm going to do...my presentation is due on Monday and I haven't even started...I'm not sure I know how to speak."

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

'Let's try it once without the parachute.'

"Well, sir, it looks like things are getting pretty serious for Peter and Pauline."

How I met your mother

Pets in Attorney's office - 'The iguana gets everything.'

"This little piggy went to market, this little piggy drove the getaway car..."

'There's a little bit of my late husband in every glass - I used his ashes as a fining agent.'

"Really, Larry? Of all the things that could have bitten you, you get a wereduck?"

"I've finally finished my lockdown novel."

Happy Birthday to you... Thanks guys!

"Convicts selling novels from prison? At least that could never happen here, eh Jones?"

Hog Futures

Centaur falls in love.

Chicken Funeral Planning.

"Come with us to see the wizard. He can find you a brain!"

'I see you've managed to cut your coffee consumption in half.'

'I've written a poem describing my feelings on discovering the body, Inspector...'

'Miss Wilson, get on the web and find me everything on bottles!'

"I'm so glad you suggested we insert his heart on Valentine's Day!"

'Remember the book about the scary monsters, Honey? Well, your father's relatives can't hurt you, either.'

Little known fact: I spent a semester at Reed College in Portland. "Little known facts" are supposed to be momentous. Well, the little known fact is, while I was there, I asked a lady out

'He said, but for you he wouldn't have stuck your credit card to the roof of his mouth in the first place...'

'Half-crazed with nerves Petey Otterloop awaits the start of the winter concert.'

"It's just thrived since I let it have Harry!"

'We fed your application in, and the computer started leaking slime.'

"We'll feel pretty silly if it's downgraded to a tropical storm."