Neighborhood Hypochondriac Pillows

"Perhaps you'd care for a home medical encyclopedia that is a little less specific, sir."

'I checked the database, Mrs. Nimitz. There's no such symptom.'

'I hope what I have isn't catching.'

'I told you not to look up your ailments on the internet' - computer screen reads 'You have 3 days to live',

Hypochondria Hospital

"I think I'm coming down with something."

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

"Hypochondriac's handbook. A little passion project I'm working on;, or, rather, I would be working on."

'I know just how you feel.'

"Apparently reading about cancer can give you cancer!"

'No, you haven't missed much. Pretty well everyone called in sick.'

'Life is ruining your health.'

'While I'm here, Doctor . . .'

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

Stay away from Pigs.

Hospital. Patient to stomach specialist: 'What's your gut-feeling, Doctor?'

'Are you a hypochondriac who has everything but your regular placebo isn't doing the job? Talk to your doctor about the new extra-strength placebo.'

I feel fine! Ready to go home!

'I don't feel that bad.'

"I looked up your rash online. Have you recently been to one of the moons of Saturn? Or, it could just be poison ivy."

"Well, Phil, after years of vague complaints and imaginary ailments, we finally have something to work with."

'You have what we in the medical profession call, a mystery illness, which might give you an idea of the prognosis.'

Bob had many issues, but he didn't need a doctor. He needed a vet.

"Don't be so dramatic, you've only got a cold!"

'You're allergic to medical allergy bracelets.'

"According to this website my symptoms show that I'm dead!"

Placebo Clinic: 'Mr Yomp, someone who may or may not be a doctor, will see you now...'

"O.K. Which one of you worried well is the most worried?"

'A second opinion would be appreciated only if confirms my opinion.'

"I think I've caught that cold that's going around."

'It's that hypochondriac parrot!'

How to Keep the Doctors Guessing

"You're in excellent health...until we can prove otherwise."

"I feel fine but according to my new watch I might be dead!"