Navigating Healthcare Pillows

'Wait!! I'm still trying to get health insurance!'

I came for my daughter. She was hurt in gym? Your husband took her to the hospital. West Fester High School. Is my daughter, Twig Tree, here? Emergency. Your husband took her home. Isn't there anything I can do? Of course there is! Your insurance card, please. I am a good mother!

'I got all woozy reading the restrictions in my health insurance contract!'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'Your cat scan looks fine, your pet scan looks fine, your MRI looks fine, but your insurance reimbursement doesn't look fine.'

Hospital Departments

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

'Looks like Shelia has overdone it with the cream scones this week!'

Ed finally had to admit that his body was less of a temple and more of a worn-out parish church with a bouncy castle out front.

Kid in hospital has I.V. in him that is a straw.

"Cardiac day patients?"

Medicare: More is Better!

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

"I am just going outside to find an NHS dentist and may be some time."

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

Doctor sits near work boxes labelled; 'NHS' and 'Private'.

Woman and scales.

"Good news! It's only cancer."

No. 83 In A Series OF Extraordinary Unlikely Events.

"I just hope that when your mother is as old as I am you'll be able to help figure out Medicare Part D."

"I don't see the doctor anymore because I'd have to hire some kid to set up the patient portal."

'I can't take off my clothes - I'm Missouri Synod Lutheran!'

"Recovery involves elements of faith. So let's pray my billing service, this hospital and your insurance provider all work smoothly together."

"I don't care what it says on the 'chocoholics' website I'm not able to prescribe chocolate mini eggs on the NHS."

'He can't refer you to me... I referred you to him.'

"You need to see a specialer. They're like specialists, but less so."

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

'I take it this wasn't quite the outcome you were expecting from your 'spot reduction diet'?'

'You need the wisdom of the ages to understand Medicare Part D.'

GPs to be required to offer appointments in advance.

'Oh no, not you again,'

"Your tests are back. We've ruled out anything covered by your HMO."

Carcinogenic/Non-carcinogenic.

"You know you're getting old when you can find your way around all the local hospitals blindfolded."