Narcissistic Conversationalist Pillows

'Drink?' - 'No thanks, I'm spending the evening with a bright and witty person, me.'

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

Now that we've invented language, let's talk about our relationship.

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

You mixed your DNA with that of a carrot? I've created a giant loud-mouthed left-leaning vegetable. Some would say that's redundant. Very funny. It's worse that that. The carrot doesn't share just my politics … You smell beautiful, like ranch dressing on a spring day. I do like a tall vegetable.

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

"Sofia, right? You hung out in the back of Professor Dillof’s anatomy lectures."

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious day when you're ripe and not yet mealy?"

'This month I'll be cooked & my bones ripped apart in a wishing contest.'

"Hey, do you want to be in my bubble?"

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

"Don't worry, I'm a doctor."

"Develop your social skills. Share information about yourself so people will want to talk to you." "I like to dissect animals."

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'What's a guy got to do to get a drink around here?'

"Are you aware of how many times you say 'oink' when you talk?"

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."

A Valentine's Day IOU Coupon

"I thought the 'Internet of Things' was about fridges and toasters!"