Narcissism Humor Lover Pillows

'No, they're not pictures of my family. They're selfies.'

'Isn't that Narcissus over there?' - 'Here's lookin' at me, kid!'

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

Larry's used art

Mike (The Situation) is rumored to have written the original manuscript for his best-selling memoir entirely out of bronzer.

Grace For Flies

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

"I spilled a red dot of paint, so I painted the whole room so you wouldn't notice it."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

...And he calls himself the 'Green' Giant...

'Behold. Ed and Jim have finally reached nirvana.'

Pirate boy reciting the alphabet

"Why do they do that?"

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Remember only you can prevent forest fires.'

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

'Something for the weekend, Sir?'

"Don't worry, they normally look like little humans during the early scans."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

New and improved! BunkerBuster! Get out of the sand trap every single time - or your money back!!

Man painting over a 'You are here' sign.

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

Clyde thought “Atomic Sparklers” was just an ad gimmick

Beach con-man.

"Hmm...well...It'll look better when it's finished...!"

'Now I kinda wish we had planned a bigger wedding.'

"It's not the persistent lack of sunlight or freezing temperatures that bother me - it's the crowds I can't stand."

Fly Football

"States of tofu"

"And you're certain these are accidents?"